I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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