i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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