i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
