Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
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I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
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I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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