Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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