Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
