Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
