I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
