I cannot find my penis.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
