Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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