At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
