Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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