i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize