we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
