I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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