there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Yo dont text me then not text me
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Randomize
