i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
