what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
