I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
