I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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