Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
how drunk are you?
Several
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Randomize
