I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
