I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
