cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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