wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Randomize
