hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
