It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
