You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
