Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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