You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize