My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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