i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
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If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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