Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
