She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
