I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
