If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
then he tried to convert me to islam
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
