Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
