I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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