P.S. I can't hear my feet
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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