having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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