She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
