the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
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