just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
