M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Randomize
