Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
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