i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Is Oprah even human
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Randomize
