Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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