I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
