Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
