It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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