Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
