I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Randomize
