my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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