so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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