mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I love how my cats smell like pot.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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