she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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