I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Still dying that you shit outside
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
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