I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
